This morning, I attended a writing workshop, online of course but thankfully out in my patch of grass beside my front window. The theme was set around summer solstice and our thoughts and wellbeing with regard to lockdown. I had no expectations for this class other than to grow my writing portfolio, and fill my morning doing something I love.
It was great to see people write about the lessons they have learnt, and focus on positive attributes of this season, but I must say, for that part I struggled. People talking about how they had slowed down, worked out what was important to them and who was important and to be honest, that has not been my story.
I know, in the grand tapestry of this era, I have been financially blessed, looked out for, made friends with the neighbours and had a structure to most of my days. I know in so many ways, I have not suffered, I have had many good days. I just feel, I was doing alright pre-lockdown. I had rest, I was not overwhelmed, I knew how and when to slow down.
my home is my office, my sanctuary, my gym, my theatre and my café The Virus is not at my window: poem by me!
I’ve adapted, we all have but there is not much about this I want to keep. Yet if I dwell here in the negative, nothing of this will be purposeful. Even though I will be happy to see this pass; I still choose to embrace the days and the lessons learnt. So here are four!
Music is Essential
Within the first few weeks, I caved at a discount code and bought myself an Echo dot. Perhaps it was the need for company, but I think rather, having decluttered and packed up an old radio, I recognised my need for music. I filled my home with sound. Whether Spotify or Tribl (worship spotify), new music or dance classics, dance exercise or relaxing playlists; there was sound. Along with the apps, podcasts and devices I began to sing. A friend had started up morning worship on facebook live, Mark De-lisser was recording mass online choir events, work had taught me how to edit videos (at least in basic mode). Much as the musical numbers and pop classics revived my heart, it was worship that lifted my head. I have discovered new songs, held on to classic verses, wrote a few lines myself, and in the last session, taken time out once or twice a week to just soak, let the tension and the tears pour out of my body and be refilled with life and rest. Music has been essential, I think I always knew that about my life, but even more so now.
Insecurities are bearable
You only have to live with yourself for a few weeks before the irritations and distortions in reflection begin to arise. Like a teenager scanning every aspect of their face and yet only seeing imperfection, I studied my personality, output and character. I knew the psychology of it, we were in crisis mode, having to respond quickly to change and facing an unknown, unexpected and unwavering threat which looked like the makings of the latest horror movie. We all know, I’d be the one who dies in the opening scene from doing something stupid! I knew, my amygdala and brain stem were in constant conversation and my neo cortex was third wheeling, awkwardly trying to get a word in edge ways. I knew that my type 2 enneagram personality was sliding downhill into militant unhealthy living. I knew every core fear of mine was attending a rager in my mind and I was getting increasingly frustrated that though I knew, I could not stop. I made it through a mixture of experience, kindness, talking, and a bucketful of grace poured on me by Jesus. I think knowing couldn’t stop but it could help me to look to Him.
Now we are in a sea of change again, I will adapt and different insecurities have started dancing outside my window. Now I can tell them, I’ve learnt it insecurities are bearable and I will make it through
I have written alot, perhaps I should leave it here and come back tomorrow.
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